


be still my foolish heart

by t_hens



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - 1920s, Alternate Universe - Prohibition Era, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Phandom Big Bang 2019, Sexual Content, Slurs, Strangers to Lovers, brief mentions of physical violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 21:06:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20699858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_hens/pseuds/t_hens
Summary: Phil is a bartender in a jazz club during the Prohibition and he's doing his best to live a plain, but safe life.- that all goes out the window when a new jazz band is hired and the drummer, Dan, starts to capture Phil's heart.inspired by'Almost (Sweet Music)'by Hozier





	be still my foolish heart

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Phandom Big Bang  
beta by [yourfriendlyblogstalker](https://yourfriendlyblogstalker.tumblr.com/)  
art by [maybeformepersonally](https://maybeformepersonally.tumblr.com/)  
link to art [here](https://maybeformepersonally.tumblr.com/post/187829754250/this-is-my-art-contribution-to-the)

There was a loud _bang_ up on the stage, and it pulled Phil’s attention up from the glass he’d been wiping clean. He had known that the new band was setting up tonight, but the important information had gone in one ear and out the other. So it wasn’t a _total_ surprise to see the stage filling with people and various instruments, but it did make him sigh a little.

There had been so many bands in lately and the owner Tom had not liked any of them enough to ask them to come back. It had been a nuisance for the bar staff, having to listen to the constant movement and various levels of shit jazz each band produced. 

Phil turned back to finish cleaning the glasses and tried to ignore the sounds of guitars and basses being tuned. It was a bit distracting but it wasn’t the first night he’d had to endure it so he hummed something to himself and went about his opening routine.

“Excuse me,” a timid voice asked from behind Phil. 

He shook his head, not bothering to look up from the lime he was now slicing. “We don’t serve drinks before 7.” 

“Oh, I - uh.” Phil finally dragged his eyes off of the green fruit and was stopped short by the man standing on the other side of the bar.

He was tall, maybe even a bit taller than Phil, but it was hard to tell since is body was slumped down, almost as if he was trying to make himself smaller by taking up less space. His eyes were a pretty brown color that was reminiscent of the bottles of brandy sitting on the shelves behind Phil.

“I just wanted to see if you knew where the restroom was. I’ve been setting up and didn’t see anyone else I could ask.” He gestured to the band that were standing around the stage with their own instruments. The only thing not occupied was the drum set.

“Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. It’s down that hall and it’s the second door on the left.”

The man gave him a shy smile that made a dimple pop in his cheek. Phil stood staring as the stranger disappeared down the hall until he felt someone poke him in the ribs. He squealed and turned, seeing Jeanie stood in her red sequined flapper dress and a tray in her hand. She raised her eyebrows at Phil and he flushed but turned back to the limes he’d been neglecting, not bothering to answer the unasked question all over her face.

“Was he a member of the new band?” she asked, leaning against the bar. 

Phil wished he could act like he didn’t understand what she meant, but it was futile. She’d caught him too many times in compromising situations with members of the same sex to pretend like he didn’t know what she was really asking.  
“I think he’s the drummer, but I’m not really sure.” Phil’s hands were starting to shake a little and it made creating equal slices difficult, but he did what he could.

“Just be careful,” she whispered. She fussed with her pinned curls in the mirrored wall behind Phil and straightened up to start walking among the growing crowds of people who had just been let in the doors, all ready to drink and watch the band.

Phil finished his last slice and took a deep breath, steeling himself for his shift.

-

The band was really good.

All the patrons clapped lively after each song, sometimes even calling for an encore. Tom could be seen near the front of the stage having what seemed to be a positive conversation with a man Phil assumed to be the band’s manager.

Phil was kept busy making drinks so most of the show was taken in with his ears, rather than his eyes, though he did glance up a time or two (or ten) to watch the drummer. He was really pretty, Phil was annoyed to think. The last thing he needed was to have an attractive guy up on the stage every night at work.

After the band had finished and were taking down the set, Phil did his best to stay busy. He didn’t know why he thought the drummer would come over to the bar, but he had a gut feeling and he wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about that.

Sure enough, a few minutes after the thought had entered his head, he heard a quiet, polite, “Excuse me.”

Phil took a deep breath before turning around. He needed a second to remind himself how messy, and dangerous, it would be to get a crush on a guy that worked in the same bar he did, but it didn’t seem to matter much once he got another look at the guy.

His hair, which had been fluffy and full before the show, was now dampened with sweat, but still somehow didn’t take away from his looks. Phil stared into his doe eyes before snapping himself to attention.

“Oh - uh yeah - I’m sorry. What can I get you?” Phil looked away because he was sure his face was giving something away.

“I was just seeing if I could get a glass of water?”

“Of course.” Phil got him a glass and set it down, turning back towards the shelves of liquor, trying to look like he was busy. 

A few minutes later, Dan spoke up again.“Could I trouble you for some more?”

Phil took the glass and filled it once again, not turning this time though. He leaned against the bar and tried to look unbothered when he said, “The show was really good.”

The man looked surprised, but pleasantly so, given how his cheeks flushed a pretty pink.

“Oh, thank you.” 

They stood staring at each other until a shout from the crowd snapped Phil back into reality. He grabbed his rag and wiped down some drops of water that had fallen on the bar from his drink.

“I’m Dan, by the way.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth twitched, and he attempted to hide the smile that was trying to be seen. The name Dan suited him, but Phil wasn’t about to tell him that.

“Phil.” He reached his hand out and when Dan put his own hand out, Phil felt a spark, or maybe a bolt of lightning, run through his body and couldn’t help the tiny gasp that left him. 

“Wow.” Dan’s eyes were wide and his mouth fell open a tiny bit and Phil watched hungrily as his pink tongue wetted his bottom lip.

Something snapped in Phil’s brain and he became painfully aware of the fact that their hands were still clasped and they were making heavy eye contact in a bar that was filled full of men who would gladly beat either of them to a pulp without a second thought if they suspected what was happening between the two of them was anything other than a polite greeting. He jerked his hand away and didn’t think he missed the way Dan’s face fell for a second before it was back to a neutral expression. 

Before things became too awkward, Tom and the band’s manager came up to the bar and called out for two shots of whiskey. Phil poured them and pretended he wasn’t listening as the two men celebrated their new contract.

_’Great,’_ Phil thought, half dreading and half excited that he would be seeing a lot more of Dan.

-

The next night was busy, so Phil didn’t have much time to focus on Dan. Which was maybe a good thing, he couldn’t help but think. He was wading into dangerous waters just being near him. Something about Dan made him want to ignore all of the rules that he tried to live by in order to keep himself safe. He wasn’t necessarily happy, but he was alive and that was what was really important.

Dan did come to the bar after the show, once the instruments had been put away and the bar was starting to die down a bit. He sat down on the wooden stools in front of where Phil was stood and gave him a shy smile.

“Water?” He asked. 

Phil nodded and got him a glass of cool water. He pretended to not watch as Dan brought it to his full lips and took a large drink. It made his Adam's apple bob and something so small and normal shouldn’t have made Phil’s mouth water like it did. He turned towards the shelves of alcohol, pretending to dust, not trusting himself not to stare.

“How long have you worked here?” 

He turned to face Dan and took a second before answering. “About two years.”

Dan nodded and took another sip of his water. Phil’s eyes tracked the movement and he had to shake himself from it. “That’s neat. cool.”

Phil gave him a tight smile before turning away again. He hoped that Dan would take the hint and finish his water and leave, but he didn’t. He kept asking Phil random, almost generic questions that Phil answered in the same monotone voice.

Dan didn’t leave his stool until someone called to him to help with something. He gave Phil a wide smile and left, leaving his glass on the counter. It had been empty almost the entire time he’d been sitting there and it made a stupid smile tug at Phil’s lips. 

-

The next time he saw Dan was when Phil was locking up the bar and was heading home. Dan was stood outside, leaning against the brick wall across from the bar’s door.

“Hey,” he said quietly, making Phil jump.

“Shit, Dan. You scared me.” He pressed a hand to his chest and took a deep breath.

“Sorry,” Dan replied, giggling lightly. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine,” Phil said, eyeing him suspiciously. “I thought you left?”

Dan shrugged and looked down, kicking at a small pebble on the ground. “I thought I’d see if you wanted to get a cup of coffee.”

Phil felt at war with himself. Yes, he wanted to get a cup of coffee with the really cute boy who stood in front of him, but Phil couldn't pretend like he wasn’t nervous. He knew what happened to guys like him who looked at guys other than as just friends. It was probably for the best that they kept their distance.

Dan looked so young and hopeful though, and it almost broke Phil’s heart, so instead of saying no and that he was just going home, Phil nodded his head and followed a beaming Dan down the street.

-

They walked slower than Phil probably would have, given how the temperature was considerably low and the tips of his ears were starting to burn they were so cold, but it was hard to want to rush through the walk when it was a perfect chance to spend time with Dan. Though they didn’t talk much, just being in his presence felt like a small gift. 

Dan led them to a small cafe, not far from the bar, that was still open. They sat across from each other in a booth and Phil tore the napkin in front of him in small shreds to avoid looking at Dan.

“I didn’t really think you’d come,” Dan said. 

Phil lifted his eyes to Dan’s face finally and cocked his head to the side. “Why is that?”

Dan blushed, almost as if he wasn’t sure that Phil would reply and looked down at the table sheepishly. “You just don’t seem like the type to socialize much.”

That hurt a bit, but Phil knew that he was right. The only person he really spoke to on a voluntary base was Jeanie, and that was only because she refused to let him ignore her. Everyone else was held at a careful distance away and that was really how Phil preferred it. Well, _used_ to prefer it.

Phil shrugged, trying to seem nonplussed. “I just like to keep things professional at work.”

That wasn’t the whole story, but Phil wasn’t about to go into that now, especially not with someone that he had just met. Someone that felt a bit dangerous to Phil.

“That’s fair.” Dan’s voice held just a bit of sadness and that made Phil’s heart break a little. Even though it was stupid, and reckless, Phil nudged Dan’s foot with his own.

“I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit cold towards you.” He didn’t explain more than that, but it seemed to be enough to perk Dan up.

“No, it’s okay. I get it.” He was smiling widely at Phil now, letting the full power of his dimples shine through and Phil let himself smile back.

The waitress interrupted the moment, which was probably for the best, Phil figured. She sat their coffees down in front of them and scampered away, leaving them alone in silence again.

Phil dropped a tiny bit of cream into his coffee and then added the sugar in liberally, which earned a giggle from Dan. He lifted his head and his own lips quirked into a smile. “What?!” 

“Do you maybe want some coffee with your sugar?” Dan asked, breaking out into another round of soft giggles.

“Shut up,” Phil said, and he could hear the fondness seeping into his tone. “I just really like sweet things.” Their eyes made contact as he said this and he had to look away quickly. 

If anything could be considered sweet, and something that Phil really liked, it would definitely be Dan.

-

They stayed sitting in the booth, drinking cup after cup of coffee, talking nearly the whole time. Dan had a way of worming his way through the coat of armor that Phil had built around himself. He found himself talking about his family, and how much he missed them. He talked about how shit school had been, and how he’d been bullied almost relentlessly, though he didn’t get into depth as to why.

Dan just nodded and listened, inserting his own experiences in from time to time, taking in everything Phil said.

It wasn’t until Phil noticed the pink on the horizon that he realized they’d been there for close to three hours.

“I should get home,” he said, knocking back the last bit of his third cup of coffee.

“Oh,” Dan said, staring into his own cup. “Sorry I kept you so late.”

“No, it was great.” Phil said quietly.

They stood and Phil left a bill on the table to cover their drinks, much to Dan’s protest and they headed outside. They both pulled their jackets on a little tighter and braced the cold air again.

Dan walked a little ways with Phil towards his apartment, and when they passed a park that sat between his place and work, Dan waved goodbye and went to lay on a bench nearby.

Phil stood watching wordlessly as he brushed off the leaves that had fallen during the day and the thin layer of frost that coated every surface. Something broke inside of Phil and he was actually thankful for the cold, because it kept the tears forming from his eyes from actually falling.

“Dan, what are you doing?” He asked, voice betraying some of the sadness he felt.

He looked a bit embarrassed and sat up. “I usually stay with Tommy, the bass player, but he left before I had a chance to go with him and I don’t want to wake him up to have him let me in.” 

Phil frowned and Dan waved his hands like it wasn't a big deal. “It’s totally fine,” he said, shifting in his seat. “I sleep here all the time. It’s not even that bad.”

Phil knew that was probably a lie, seeing as how the bench was still coated with frost and the air was so cold it made his lungs throb. The air had the nip in it that said that autumn was definitely over and winter was beginning.

“Why don't you just stay with me?” 

Dan gave him a surprised look and opened his mouth like he wanted to protest, so Phil wrapped a hand around his arm and hauled him to his feet.

“C’mon. I’m not gonna let you get pneumonia.”

-

Phil’s apartment was barely big enough for him, but Dan didn’t seem to mind. His smile was stretched wide across his face as he walked around and looked at all the pictures that adorned the wall as Phil gathered bedding for the couch.

“Is this you?” Dan asked, pointing to a photo of Phil and his family on holiday at the beach when he was young. 

“Oh yeah,” he said, shifting around nervously. 

“It’s so cute.” 

Phil didn’t let himself get wrapped up in the words, though he wished he could. He wanted to ask if it was him, specifically, that Dan was referring to, but he didn't. He nodded and unfolded the blanket he had in his hands. 

“The couch isn’t very big,” he apologized. 

Dan ripped his attention away from the photos and just grinned at the grim looking makeshift bed.

“It’s great!” Dan started untying his shoe and before Phil knew it, Dan was stripping off his tie and shirt and all of a sudden, Dan was stood half naked in front of Phil.

He was momentarily transfixed, eyes raking over Dan’s body greedily, wanting to commit the image to his memory; the pale skin of his chest, the steep dip of his collarbone, he dusty rose of his nipples. Phil’s mouth felt dry and his hands twitched at his sides, wanting desperately to touch, but knowing he couldn’t. 

Dan brought his hands to his belt buckle and he was brought back to reality. The reality that a man Phil was very attracted to, stood right in front of him getting naked. 

“Uh, okay goodnight.” Phil scurried away towards his room.

He moved like he was on fire, struggling to get his clothes off as fast as he could so that he could lay down on top of his covers and get a hand around himself; the image of Dan’s chest still vivid in his mind as he brought himself over the edge with a small cry that he hoped Dan wasn’t able to hear.

-

It became somewhat of a routine for them to get coffee after they were done at the bar and to walk home together to Phil’s apartment. Dan didn’t always stay the night, more often than not he stayed at Tommy’s place. The nights when it was too late, or Dan was too tired to make the walk, were Phil’s favorite.

He would never say that though. He would never tell anyone that those stolen moments where Dan spoke to him in that unguarded, warm tone, were his favorites. That when he got to watch Dan peel off his shirt at the end of the day were always the highlights of his day. He would never say that when he touched himself these days, it was almost always Dan’s naked torso that brought him over the edge. Would never say that the shade of brown of Dan’s eyes had become Phil’s favorite color.

-

Phil stayed mostly distant at work. Dan’s face had fallen the first day after he’d slept over when Phil didn’t smile back to him when handing him a glass of water, but after a while, his smiles just became a little brighter to make up for the lack of Phil’s.

They didn’t spend time together at the bar more than Dan’s glass of water before and after the show, but Phil enjoyed just having Dan near. He didn’t watch the band most nights, just let the rhythmic taps of the drums lull him into a sense of peace that he hadn’t felt before he’d met Dan. It seemed so strange that one person could make such a big difference in Phil’s night, but it did. Phil’s nights where Dan worked were always the best nights.

-

The bar was in minor chaos when Phil came in one night. A delivery had been dropped off, but Tom, the owner, hadn’t been here to coordinate it, so weeks worth of illegal booze was sat in the middle of the bar when he walked in.

“Phil!” Jeanie yelled when he came in. She was still in her street clothes and her hair and makeup hadn’t been done yet, even though it was an hour till opening.

“Can you please get this put away! Tom didn’t tell anyone we were having a delivery.” She looked frantic and Phil placed a hand on her arm, consolingly. 

“I can take care of it. I’ll see if the band can help.”

He knew that Dan would help him at the very least, but hoped that the other members would too.

-

With Dan’s help in persuading the other members of the band, and a promise of a free beer after the show, they were able to have everything moved and put into the back room, just in time for the band to start warming up.

Phil was exhausted and was sure that he was sweating through his white button up, but he loaded up a box of booze and was starting to carry it back to the bar, when Dan entered the room.

“Oh hey,” Phil said, setting down the box and letting out a huff of breath. “Thanks for all the help.”

“’Course,” Dan said, smiling gently.

“Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready?”

Dan shrugged and leaned against the door that he’d closed. “Yeah, I just needed a minute.”

“You okay?” Dan looked a bit pale and Phil felt worry raise up in his throat. 

“Yeah, I’m just a little overwhelmed today. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

He’d stayed at Tommy’s the night before, even though it had been late after they finished their coffees and Phil had insisted that he could stay.

“You should have stayed with me.” The words left Phil before he could think better of it, but it made Dan’s face light up so he couldn’t feel too bad about it. 

“I like it when I stay with you.” Dan moved away from the door and towards Phil.

“I like it when you stay with me too.” It was stupid and reckless for him to admit that, but Dan was getting closer and closer to him and there was a sense of inveitablity in the air, so when Dan’s hand gripped onto his arm and moved forward until their lips were pressed together, Phil didn’t protest.

Dan’s lips were soft like the light pink color would suggest. His top lip was a bit fuller than the bottom and fit between Phil’s perfectly. He grazed his teeth against it and Dan’s grip on his arm tightened and a small groan left him. Phil didn’t get a chance to enjoy the sound, or what it could lead too, before the jiggle of the door handle traveled from his ears to his brain where it registered just what that sound meant.

They weren’t able to break apart in time before the door was opened and revealed Jeanie who was standing in the doorway, red lips pursed.

No one said anything or moved for a beat before Jeanie’s eyes moved from Phil’s face to Dan’s. Some emotion passed her face, but Phil wasn’t able to identify what it was before she was jerking her head towards the hallway, where the sound of the band warming up could be heard.

“Shows gonna be on in a few. Better get to the stage.”

She was speaking to Dan and he glanced at Phil quickly before giving a small nod and moving passed past Jeanie and heading towards the stage. Instead of moving and letting Phil pass like he had been hoping, she entered the room and closed the door. She stood in front of it so there was nowhere to go. Phil sank down to a bucket that was sitting upside down and he placed his head in his hands.

“I know what you’re gonna say. You don’t have to lecture me,” he groaned.

Since his head was still in his hands, he couldn’t see her expression, though he was familiar with her enough that he knew she would be shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

“I’m not going to tell you off, if that is what you were expecting.”

He raised his head slowly, not quite sure he wanted to know what the alternative was.

“I get it, I really do. But you have to be smart, boy.” Phil almost laughed, though he knew that it wasn’t entirely appropriate at that moment. “You know that you can’t be doing that kind of thing here. What if it hadn't been me that opened the door? What if it was Tom or some of those rowdy boys from the mill?”

“I know, I know,” Phil whined, running a shaky hand through his dropping quiff. “It just - I don’t know - happened.”

“Well, don’t let it happen again at work.” She paused for a second and then walked the few feet between them, straightening his bowtie and giving him a sad smile. “I’ve grown awfully fond of you and it sure would be a shame if you got fired or hurt because you let a pretty brown eyed boy make you lose your senses.”

They locked eyes for a second and Phil was thankful the only thing he could see in Jeanie’s own brown eyes was sympathy and maybe a bit of fondness.

“I’ll be careful.”

She nodded, lips pursing again, “Good. Now go make people drinks before they climb the damn bar.”

He didn’t wait to be told twice, just gave her a quick, grateful smile.

-

For the rest of his shift, Phil kept his eyes dutifully on the bar. His eyes didn’t stray further up than to meet the gaze of his patrons as they ordered their drinks. It was hard to keep his eyes from drifting to the stage to watch Dan tap along on the drums to the smooth jazz filling the room, but he did. Jeanie’s words were still rattling around in his head, and though he didn’t really think anyone would think twice about him watching the band, he didn’t want to give himself any temptation.

After the show ended, Dan came to the bar to get a glass of water, like had become routine, but he didn’t try to speak to Phil other than asking for a glass of water and saying thank you when Phil sat it down in front of him.

Things felt tense between them, and Phil wanted desperately for the bar to be closed so that he could speak to Dan without prying ears.

-

Dan was waiting for Phil outside when he finally locked up. They didn’t say anything, just started walking and when Phil walked straight passed the cafe, Dan didn’t say anything to protest. 

It felt like there was something crawling under Phil’s skin, just waiting to burst out, and it didn’t feel soothed until Phil shut the door to his apartment behind himself and Dan, and Dan’s lips were pressed against his.The kiss was everything that it had hinted to at the bar. Dan melted against Phil’s frame and kissed him like he might drown if he stopped. 

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” Dan breathed against Phil’s mouth and it set something off inside of Phil.

“Me too.” He pressed Dan against the door and started kissing his way down Dan’s neck, eager to know how every inch of his body tasted.

Dan whined high in his throat as Phil’s tongue brushed against his pulse point, and his hips thrust forward and Phil didn’t have the brain power to resist pushing his own growing erection into Dan’s hip. 

“Fuck,” Dan gasped, wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck and pressing their bodies closer together. 

Phil wanted _more, more, more_, but he wasn’t gonna push himself on Dan, even though it seemed like Dan was just as gone as he was. Phil just kissed and licked all the skin that was available to him and tried to ignore the urge to undress Dan and work out the sexual tension pulsing through his body in a different way.

Dan didn’t have as much patience it seemed. They hadn’t been kissing for too long before Dan leaning away and slipping Phil’s suspenders from his shoulders and his fingers were toying with the buttons on Phil’s shirt. 

“Is this okay?” Dan asked, not stopping his movements.

“Yes,” Phil breathed, batting his fingers away and pulling the shirt over his head instead of bothering with the buttons. 

It wasn’t elegant and smooth like he would have liked, but Dan’s giggle when it caught on his ear helped to alleviate some of the tension between them. They stood staring at each other and didn’t waste much time coming back together again. 

Dan’s shirt followed not long after and their naked chests together felt better to Phil than anything had felt before in his entire life. 

At some point they started to move back towards Phil’s bedroom and if Phil thought that Dan was beautiful before, getting to see him half naked and sprawled out on his bed, lips swollen and pupils blown wide, was like a dream come true.

Phil unbuckled his trousers and slid them slowly down his legs, giving Dan plenty of time to protest or tell him to stop. When he was finished he knelt over Dan and waited for him to make the next move. Dan lifted his hips and pushed his own trousers down, letting his pants go with them.

Dan’s cock was a pretty pink color like his lips, hard and leaking from the tip when it sprung forward from it’s confinement. Phil’s lips actually watered and he moved his hands up from Dan’s ankles to the tops of his thighs in a steady movement, taking in the way that the hair on Dan legs tickled and reminded him that it was distinctly a _man_ he was touching.

When Phil’s hands reached the crease in Dan’s thighs, fingers tantalizingly close to Dan’s leaking cock, he stopped, waiting for Dan to give him some sort of sign it was okay.

“Please,” Dan breathed, watching Phil with hooded eyes. 

He didn’t waste any time after that, and brought Dan into his mouth and started gently sucking. Dan let out a pained noise that was a touch too loud, but when his fingers threaded through Phil’s hair and he gave a light pull, all other thoughts flew out of his brain. All that mattered was that Dan’s cock was in his mouth, and he seemed to be enjoying what Phil was doing to him.

It didn’t take long before Dan was pushing him away and whispering for Phil to stop.

“You okay?” Phil asked. 

“I just don’t want to come yet.”

“God.” Phil hung his head and gripped on to the base of his cock, not ready to blow his load before things had really even started.

“Come here,” Dan said, making grabby hands towards Phil. 

He didn’t need to be told twice before he was standing up and laying on top of Dan, covering his body entirely with his own, and feeling all the ways they were similar to each other. Phil could feel Dan’s erection throbbing next to his and couldn’t help thrusting forward.

“Phil, _please,_” Dan begged.

“What do you want?” 

Phil could guess what Dan was asking for, but he wouldn’t do anything until he was specifically told. Taking things to the next level was a big step, one that Phil had only done a few times, and he had no idea about Dan’s experience. It was scary and big, but Phil was ready for it if Dan was.

“I want you inside me.” Dan’s eyes were wide and honest and Phil surged forward to kiss him.

“Are you sure?” Dan nodded and Phil took a deep breath before moving off of Dan and walking into the kitchen.

He came back a moment later with a bottle of olive oil in his hand. Dan eyed it nervously while Phil sat down on the bed next to him.

“Have you done this before?” Phil asked. 

Dan shook his head and Phil sucked in a harsh breath.

“Are you sure?” Phil wanted him so bad, he thought he might die, but he wouldn’t do anything that Dan wasn’t ready.

“I just don’t really know how it works?” His voice pitched a little at the end and it made Phil’s heart break a little.

“I’ll take care of you,” Phil promised.

This seemed to be the right thing to say, because Dan nodded and pulled Phil back down to his lips.

-

The first touch of Phil’s fingers to Dan’s rim felt like a strike of lightning through Phil’s whole body. Dan’s body reacted so well to his touches and prep took hardly any time with the way that Dan’s body seemed so eager to have Phil inside of him.

Dan was tight, which wasn’t surprising given his confession that this was his first time, but Phil was slow and when he pushed in, he did it at an agonizingly slow rate so as to not hurt Dan in any way.

Once he was fully sheathed inside Dan, he waited, body poised over him. He couldn’t stop himself from pressing greedy kisses to the long column of Dan’s throat. After a few seconds of Dan wiggling around to get used to things, he wrapped his legs around Phil’s hips and made their bodies come even closer.

“Move,” Dan whined, fingernails digging half moon shapes into the skin of Phil’s arms.

He didn’t need to be told twice, so he moved and the sound of Dan’s breathy moans became the background music to their movements.

It was so much more than it had ever been for Phil. He’d had sex with men before, sometimes in the position Dan was in, sometimes not, but it had never felt the way it did with Dan. It was like everything that Phil had ever been searching for was laid out in front of him, in the prettiest packaging possible. It wasn’t just the sex, and the way that Dan made him feel physically. It was like they were two halves of a whole that were finally meeting and it felt perfect.

-

Dan cried when it was over, and Phil thought he might too. He held Dan close to him and let him get out the sobs that seemed to go on forever. Dan clung to him and told him how much it meant to him, and Phil pressed kisses all over his face. 

They stayed like that until the light from the rising sun filtered through the bedroom window and they were both yawning wide. Phil helped clean them up and pulled Dan into the bed with him, curling around his body and sighing a content sigh.

-

Walking into work the next night made Phil feel like he was wearing a badge that said “I had sex with a man, specifically Dan.” He avoided eye contact with everyone he came into contact with, except Jeanie, who was a force to be reckoned with and would not take no for an answer from anyone, let alone Phil.

She dragged him into the storage room, the very same room they’d been stood in the night before, and placed her hands on her hips while waiting for him to speak.

“What do you want me to say?” Phil asked, throwing up his hands in surrender.

“I want you to say that you listened to your wise, knowledgeable friend, and let this whole thing go, but given how red both your faces are tonight, I’ll assume you didn’t.”

Phil slumped forward and shook his head. “It’s more than just that though,” he said, suddenly desperate for her to understand.

“Honey, you know that doesn't matter. I wish we lived in a world where that sort of thing didn’t matter, and people could love who they wanted, but you’re a smart boy, you know how things are.”

“Well, what if I just don’t care?” He asked, feeling defiant.

“Not caring could be very dangerous, and not just for yourself.”

He thought of Dan, and his soft smile and friendly brown eyes, and knew he couldn’t do anything to put him in jeopardy. 

“I know.” 

Jeanie gave him a sad smile and patted him on the cheek, though she had to stretch to do so. “Just be safe.”

Phil nodded and watched as she left before sitting down on the stray bucket in the room and tried to think of a way that things could all work out.

-

Dan wasn’t waiting for Phil when he locked up that night. He had gotten off stage and hadn’t come over for his regular glass of water, though Phil had chalked that up to Dan wanting to be careful. 

Phil locked up the bar and started to head home when he heard a scuffle to the right of the bar, where an alley was located. He almost didn’t check what it was, preferring to let whoever it was figure things out on their own, but then he heard a yell that he knew was Dan’s, and all logic flew out of his mind as he followed the sound of the movement.

Dan was being held by two regular patrons, and a third was curling their arm back to throw a punch. Phil rushed forward and caught the fist before it could land and pushed the man away.

He landed on the ground with an agitated huff and glared up at Phil. “Oi what the hell? You here to save your little queer boyfriend?”

The words made bile fill in Phil’s throat, but he didn’t give into the fear that was coursing through his body. He kicked out at the man’s face and heard the satisfying _crunch_ of his nose breaking under Phil’s heel.

“Hey!” one of the other men yelled and shoved Dan away so he could come at Phil, but everyone halted when they heard the owner -Tom’s- voice yelling out.

“You lot get out of here!” His voice boomed out in the night, and the men hightailed it out of the alley.

Phil was bent over Dan, making sure he was okay, rather than running like maybe he should have. It was risky and a bit stupid to stay when he could be fired, or even worse, for assaulting a customer over another man, but Phil didn’t care. Dan was more important than some job bartending.

“Is he hurt?”

Phil looked over at Tom, who was standing closer than he had been a moment ago, and was peering down at Dan in concern.

“I’m not sure,” Phil said, pulling his eyes back to Dan.

“‘M fine,” Dan replied, struggling to stand. Phil grabbed his arm and helped him up, not bothering to remove his arm, just wrapped it around Dan’s waist protectively.

“Come inside boys.” Tom held the door open and they didn’t have much choice but to follow Tom back inside the bar and into his tiny office.

He sat down and pulled out glasses and a tumbler of what was probably very expensive brandy. He poured one for himself and another after Phil nodded his head. Dan shook his head when Tom gestured towards the third glass, just as Phil knew he would. 

Tom took a long sip and stared at both of them for a long moment before setting his glass down and sighing deeply.

“I’m sure I don’t have to tell either of you how dangerous it is out there for two fellas like you.”

Phil bristled at the tone but didn’t say anything, just sipped the bitter liquid.

“Now I’m a very understanding man and I’m not gonna turn you in or any of that nonsense. I think what you do on your own time is your business, but obviously not everyone feels that way.”

They both nodded and Phil took another drink.

“You’ll always be safe here, but I can’t say the same for the world outside these doors, so - just be careful.”

He looked mildly uncomfortable and if it wasn’t such a serious moment, Phil might have laughed. He didn’t though, just nodded soberly and pulled at Dan’s shirt to get him to follow out the door.

“Thank you,” Dan said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Tom nodded and they left the room, shutting the door behind them.

-

Phil flopped down onto the couch as soon as they got to the apartment, sighing deeply. Dan sat down next to him and Phil rolled his head in his direction, too weighed down to actually sit up.

“Are you okay?” Phil had asked it probably a hundred times, but he couldn’t help it. He’d been more afraid in those few minutes than he had in his whole life.

“Yeah, just a little shaken up.”

Phil sat up and held his arms out, wanting to offer comfort, but not wanting to pressure him.

Dan came easily, nuzzling into Phil’s side and taking a deep breath.

“Do you really think Tom won’t tell anyone?” Dan’s voice was quiet but Phil was close enough he could hear just fine.

“I trust him.”

“Okay,” Dan replied.

“Do you trust him?” Phil asked, sitting back and away from Dan, even though that was the last thing he wanted.

“I don’t know,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.

“I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. And if you don’t trust Tom, I can look for different jobs.”

“You’d do that for me?” Dan’s cheeks were pink and Phil couldn’t resist leaning forward and kissing him.

“I would do anything to make sure you are okay.”

It felt like a lot, and was a big statement to make, but Phil couldn’t imagine his life without Dan, even though it has only been a short amount of time since they had started this thing between them.

“I want to stay at the bar. I want to stay with you.”

Phil nodded; sobered by how much trust Dan had in him. “Okay.”

Dan burrowed back into Phil’s side and they let out matching puffs of breath.

“It’s gonna be hard, you know,” Phil said, placing a kiss into Dan’s wild curls.

“Everything is hard. At least this is worth it.”

Phil felt a little choked up by the intensity of his words and he curled around Dan, holding on to him tight. He was right, things would be hard, but he was also right that they would be worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find this fic on [tumblr](https://tobieallison.tumblr.com/post/187820711796/be-still-my-foolish-heart)


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